RJ's Journal

Wooden Stairs

2007-09-11T16:36:00.000-07:00

Old wooden stairs that as you walked down them you walked in a small circle, they were painted white and in places on the hand rail you could see the wood showing through. They squeaked and shook as I jumped down them slinging my way through the handrails and missing several stairs at a time. Reaching the bottom my eyes fell on what was a dark damp basement. Old medical equipment was strewn all over the old workbenches and more supplies were spilling out of wooden crates and boxes. On the far end of the room a small stand-alone lamp was on and the beams from the light fell upon a small, old, metal bed without even a pillow or blanket. Out of the darkness a man who was wearing scrubs and a rusty stethoscope hung from his neck and dangled as he lifted the limp body of a woman onto the bed gently. As I moved closer I had to watch where I was walking making sure not to step on the piles of supplies and medical equipment, my feet were bare and dirty. I noticed that my pants were even torn and fraying at the ends. It wasn’t until I made it to the under the light that I looked up and in the bed the limp body of a woman I saw the woman I love. Tubes were coming out of the side of her mouth, needles sticking out of her left arm. Her eyes were closed but she was breathing, slowly and steadily but she was still breathing. As I lifted up my hand and touched hers it felt cold and damp, I quickly pulled up an old wooden stool and sat down. I began to stroke her arm slowly and call her name… no response. It seemed like hours had passed as I sat and there and stroked her arm and slowly talked to her through incoherent mumbles and prayers. Still breathing slowly and steadily I left after a long time, planning to return later. I climbed the old wooden white stairs slowly barely able to put one foot in front of the other and as I reached the top I came into a hallway that was strangely familiar. I was now upstairs in my high school. Slowly I walked down the hallway my bare feet feeling the worn and old brown carpet. The smell of rotting apples in the lockers and garbage filled my nose. I walked passed my old locker and then left the building altogether.
Hours later I found myself running and jumping furiously up the stairs of my high school, unable to reach the top fast enough. Finally I made it and once again found myself in the upper hall of my high school. A man was running towards me, his suit jacket and tie flying behind him because he was running so fast. The man started yelling, “Jared! Jared! Hurry its happening” I started running down the hall, faster than I had ever run before. As I ran down the hallway and got closer I realized that the man was my Father. Finally I made it to the doorway and once again found myself jumping and winding my way through the old wooden white stairs. I jumped and skipped over the supplies that were strewn about the floor and tables. Reaching the far corner of the room my eyes once again fell upon the unconscious body of my the woman. I sat down on my wooden stool and held her hand slowly stroking her and playing with her thumb. Minutes passed and then she opened her eyes and looked over at me, through the tubes sticking out of her mouth she slowly smiled and mumbled, “I love you!” I said it back and told her I wasn’t going anywhere! Suddenly I noticed her cell phone bulging in her pocket, I took it out and held it in my hand. She looked at me and said, “Call everyone and tell them what’s happening.” My eyes started to well up and I clutched her hand tighter still rubbing her hand and thumb. Slowly her head went limp and she was once again asleep breathing slowly and steadily… for now.

A Complicated Forgiveness!

2007-09-05T07:51:00.000-07:00

Sometimes you just have to listen to a song over and over again because you know that it is speaking directly to you! This happened to me this morning as I walked to work I was listening to Chris Tomlin's CD called 'Arriving' and the song entitled 'Your Grace is Enough' came on... today this is my song. Maybe this is also your song today as well. Read it, ponder it, enjoy it & talk to the Almighty about it.
--------------------------------

"Your Grace Is Enough"

Great is Your faithfulness oh God
You wrestle with the sinner's heart
You lead us by still waters and to mercy
And nothing can keep us apart

So remember Your people
Remember Your children
Remember Your promise
Oh God

Your grace is enough
Your grace is enough
Your grace is enough for me

Great is Your love and justice God
You use the weak to lead the strong
You lead us in the song of Your salvation
And all Your people sing along

So remember Your people
Remember Your children
Remember Your promise
Oh God

Your grace is enough
Your grace is enough
Your grace is enough for me (x2)

So remember Your people
Remember Your children
Remember Your promise
Oh God

Your grace is enough
Your grace is enough
Your grace is enough for me

Your grace is enough
Heaven reaching down to us
Your grace is enough for me
God I see your grace is enough
I'm covered in your love
Your grace is enough for me
For me

Conflicting Convictions

2007-08-20T09:47:00.000-07:00

So I sit here at work... not working & here are my latest thoughts...

Is it possible to have differing levels of guilt from person to person? Maybe. Is it possible for ones conscience to be greater than anothers? Not sure. As I walk through the lastest chapter in my life that I have entitled 'Post-Bethany & ...' I think about what being a Christian is going to look like. What am I going to succeed at what am I going to fail at? These are all very important questions for me right now. I was talking to a close friend a bit ago we were discussing if because of life circumstances and the way we observed our parents in our formative years if it is possible for me to feel guiltly about one thing and my friend to not, or vice versa? Morality in Christianity automatically comes into the conversation, how can we forget about what the Bible talks about on a variety of issues. Jesus addressed many topics on morality, guilt and convictions in relation to being a Christian. I am also reminded of the many writings of the Apostle Paul. The New Testament is full of writings about sexual morality and Christian conduct just to name a couple. These have been floating through my thoughts for a while. Can I be less convicted of something than my friend even though the Bible and Jesus clearly state what is right and wrong for a Christian? Especially where the line has been drawn by Jesus no less!
I struggle with this as I mature not only as young man growing into adulthood but more importantly as a Christian. Where has Jesus drawn the line for Christian morality? Does my line match that of Jesus' or am I way out in left feild? Do I need to come back to gain stronger convictions and guilt? Or am I in line with where Jesus would have me be and the conversation with my friend has caused me to go to the other extreme?

Ask yourself, "Jesus where would you have me be?"

The Art of Making Mistakes

2007-07-26T00:58:00.000-07:00

For some reason we all do it, it’s something that cannot be helped and no matter how hard we all try we all fall flat on our faces every single time. Mistakes are simply a fact of life, every person born into this world is sooner or later going to make their first mistake. Whether that is lying to their parents about who actually ate all the cookies or to the more drastic and extreme mistakes of falling into sexual sin. Usually a mistake can almost always be characterized as something we’ve done that we now regret doing. Is there any real motivation behind the mistakes we make? Why do we do them in the first place? The answer can probably be summed up very simply. We are imperfect beings. Ever since the fall in the Garden of Eden humans have been imperfect and that has come with many disadvantages. For example; pain in childbirth or temptation to steal or lie. Mistakes are an everyday part of life something that is inescapable, we are stuck with it and it’s about time we get used to it. But somehow we never really do get used to the fact that we make mistakes, somehow we always seem to end up back at square one again after we’ve made a mistake. You’d think that we would get used to the feeling and guilt and that making mistakes would simply be numb to us now and we would cease to feel its effects. This however is far from the truth; time after time we make the same mistakes over and over again only to fall flat on our faces. Will we ever escape our mistake making ways in this life? How many times do you have to fall flat on your face before you learn how much it actually hurts?
My thoughts are simple; we cannot escape our mistake making ways in this life and as hard as it is we need to accept that fact! We are imperfect and are simply bound to make mistakes and fall flat on our faces. But before you loose sight of the light at the end of the tunnel remember one simple thing. We have a weapon at our disposal to use against our mistake making ways. The forgiveness of God, something that will cover any sin or mistake no matter how large or small it may be. But God can only do half the battle for us. He expects that we also do our part. That means moving on from the mistakes we’ve made, that means forgetting how painful the experience was. That means being comforted in the arms of our Father and letting him heal our sore faces by picking us back up again, dusting us off and holding our hand as we move forward once again.
I've made a mistake...

Britains Got Talent - A Star Is Born

2007-07-14T19:18:00.001-07:00

Grandma's Candies

2007-07-04T15:58:00.001-07:00

When I was young I didn’t not live in the lap of luxury, my family was not starving to death either. But like so many families then it was not easy to feed three growing children. So as a result for most of my early childhood years my family and I lived in a duplex. This duplex was nice enough for my family then and for many years we lived there in happiness. When you walked through the front door you would find yourself looking up a long steep staircase that went to three small bedrooms and a bathroom. If you were to look to your left you would find a small but sufficient living room, going through the living room you would make your way into a small kitchen another two-piece bathroom and a door to the spacious backyard. Also there was a small-unfinished basement that was mostly used for storage and had enough room to fit a washing machine and a dryer. For a family of five this house was a little cramped but nonetheless served us well. My Mother and Father having three small children at the time didn’t have enough room for a proper play room or toy room, so we would store our toys against the long steep staircase leading upstairs which was also right inside the living room. So when were playing with our toys they would be spread from one end of the living room to the other and back again. And when it was time to clean up they would stack neatly beside the staircase. In and amongst the toys that were stored there was a stack of giant duplo blocks. Duplo is essentially giant Lego that you can put together and make almost anything you could imagine. Remember that space is not in abundance in this house and so it was literally less than a foot from the toy area to the couch that was in the living room.
One summer my Mother’s parents had decided to make the long drive from Saskatchewan to B.C. So for a week I had the chance to spend time with my Grandma and Grandpa. When I was a young boy my grandparents were not old yet but probably still in there fifties. When someone gets to be this age vitamins and other sorts of pills are necessary to well keep them alive and healthy. My Grandma took copious amounts of pills to keep her healthy and alive. One day the weather was not so great and I forced to play inside for most of the afternoon, after playing for hours and hours my toys were spread all over the place and I received a warning from my Father that it was almost dinner time and if I wanted to eat then I should clean up my toys and wash up.
In the early evening my Grandpa and Grandma had moved into the living room to enjoy one of their favorite activities, watching the nightly news. With my duplo stacked up and put away beside the stairs my Grandma had used it as a side table, on it she had placed her tea and what to me was a large handful of while, yellow and pink things. Concentrating on her tea she seemed to forget about her pills, I however had not forgotten about these foreign objects that had invaded my play area. Once again curiosity got the best of me and I was unable to wait any longer to find out what these little things were. So I marched up to my stack of duplo picked up a couple inspected them, for some reason I was still unable to figure out what they were, so in my seven year old mind I decided that the best way would be to put them into my mouth and find out what happened. So filled my hand with all the pills that would fit, threw back into my mouth and chewed. Now if any of you have ever left a pill in your mouth to long then you will know what it tastes like when the pills begin to disintegrate, now imagine what it would have tasted like to chew them. I quickly realized that these foreign objects on my duplo was not in fact candy but must have been some sort of poison that my Grandma was taking. I quickly spat them out right where I was standing, which quickly got the attention of my parents and Grandma. They soon figured out what I had done, made sure that I hadn’t swallowed any of them and laughed at me. I always seem to learn the hard way, even to this day…

RJ's Purpose

2007-07-02T16:25:00.000-07:00

Inspiration has hit me! A long time ago I realized how much I liked writing, not necessarily coming up with fantastic fictional stories but just writing down the things that have happened in my life past and present. That is the main purpose of this blog, it's not meant for updates on my life (you can check me facebook for that) but strictly to share my love with all of you out there. My love is writing, sometimes it may be stories from my past for things that I am experiencing and going through in the present.

I hope you enjoy reading what I write about and learning along with me as I walk down this path that is called my life...